I knew Jesus saved our sins, that he was my Saviour. I felt every Sunday, I was learning something new every week, a new sermon spoken about, a new application to think about, and the thoughtful words of people who were much further along in their spiritual journey than I was in the bible study to jot down. I had given one day to God and I could focus the rest of the time on my life. After all, there was always something else that took priority.

During High School, it was drilled into me “you have to get good grades to get into a good university to get a good job”. That meant not only doing all the hard subjects to get the best scaling, but also multiple days of extra tuition so I could do even better. After all an A Grade only meant Average. All that focus had worked out, I had gotten the mark I needed to get into the course I wanted, into the University I wanted, Engineering and Commerce at UNSW.

But that brought with it it’s on distractions, I needed a money job, I needed to get good grades so that I could build my resume up to get the good job, after all the end goal was to get the job. The remainder of my time, was I also wanted to focus on myself more, but

instead of focusing on growing my spiritual faith, it was fitting in with my new friends I made during uni -trying the new hip restaurants, gyming, computer games, catching-up on anime, and whatever else that I could fit into my social calendar. Before I had graduated I had locked in a graduate position at a Big 4 Accounting Firm, KPMG – a good job that I could build my career on. I had completed the final stage that I was told so long ago. I had gotten the good marks in high school, gotten into a good university and now had a good job. Even now I could focus on my faith, I would tell myself, I can catch up on the time that I had missed, I can overfill rather than just be filled.

I wanted to move away from being a Sunday Christian, I had set out a plan to read the bible more, organise my quiet time, pray more than just hoping I would do well in the next upcoming exam or the next job interview, and knowing more than just Jesus is my saviour. At least be a multi-day Christian and even later a 7-day Christian.

However, those plans were quickly squashed.My time was split between serving two secular masters, my work and trying to grow my career at my new job, and time spent with my non-Christian girlfriend whom I had met during university. Plans for Daily prayer and daily quiet time, were impossible, juggling long work hours, and the long-distance relationship between Baulkham Hills and Maroubra where she lived. Even my usual baseline of being a Sunday Christian attending Sunday church was no longer possible between either working on Sunday or “can we have an extra day to hang out” from my girlfriend.

This downward trajectory would continue, until rock bottom about two years ago. I had long since split from my non-Christian girlfriend, lived in an apartment in Lane Cove and moved across to a new Senior role at another Big 4 firm. It should have been a simple lateral move. Doing the same type of work for same type of clients, as some say “same poo, different colour”.

It was however totally not. I was missing work timings, senior bosses were complaining, junior staff voiced their frustrations at me, potential jobs were lost as I wasn’t able to action them on time. For the first time in my life, I was struggling and struggling badly. I couldn’t see how I could fix it myself. Over the course of months as this continued, I withdrew further and further into myself. I hid away from colleagues, choosing the furthest desk away, and later working from home entirely, laying in bed, watching the emails and missed calls piling up. I am going to lose this job I told myself, how am I going to find another job, all I had worked for all that I had sacrificed to get to would be for nought.

My fear and anxiety were immeasurable and inevitably turned to anger, anger at myself for getting myself into this position. I stopped talking to friends, I stopped talking to family, the few times that I left my apartment trying to clear my thoughts, did nothing to stop the spiral that I was on. The only place of comfort was my bed, which I would spend days just lying in, unable to sleep, weighed by burden, humiliation, anxiety. Everything just felt meaningless.

I had not known it, but I was months into a severe clinical depression and had it not been for my concerned parents who furiously banged on my apartment door one night, am not sure where I would be. Due to how severe my depression was, I had a clinical psychiatrist who went to church booked within a couple of days and had been given “undefined leave from work”. The focus was on removing the most immediate symptoms, the brain fog, the trembling, the lack of sleep, and restoring my mental health as well as my spiritual health.

Without a job, it was the first time that I felt I could reflect on what my life had come to and where I wanted to be. There was no excuse anymore for not praying, or reading the bible. I wrestled with God trying to rationalise, maybe this was punishment for my ineptitude, until I stumbled upon the verse:

“No trial has overtaken you that is not faced by others. And God is faithful. He will not let you be tried beyond what you are able to bear, but with the trail will also provide a way out so that you may be able to endure it. So, then my dear friends flee from idolatry” 1 Corinthians 10:13-15.

I had felt I was walking my path alone, I had chosen my own life and continuously turned away from God, but God had not turned away from me, he was always watching over me, it was his grace, his love the reason that I am here today, he had a plan for me and still has a plan for me. As I stand here today, I know that I am still vulnerable to what the world has to offer. Instead of trying to fit my life around Jesus and being comfortable if I haven’t made time, God is at the front of my mind, he will always love me and as in Phillipians 4:13 states: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”, and that you are all witnesses to my life that I dedicate towards Jesus and not follow the idols of this world.

It may seem from the testimony that I have just given, that my Christian journey was a solo one. But this is far from the case. God placed people within my life that have helped me through my Christian walk. For my parents for their love and concern they have for me all these years, knowing me better than I do, as they knocked on my apartment door and supporting me through thick and thin. For my sister for bringing me to Evangelical Chinese Church, when I had stopped going to church. For Perry for our one-on-one discipleship mentoring, our deep and meaningful sessions after tennis trying to navigate through my working career and relationship with my non-Christian girlfriend. I feel I didn’t understand it then but now I do. For Jonathan Chong, always questioning where my faith was at, and when I will get baptised

For my bible study leader Brendan, for the mid weekly whatsapp check-ins on me to see how I was going after I was diagnosed with depression. All of you have contributed to my Christian journey. The love and care you have for me is a testament to God’s love for us. That no matter how large or small the action is, towards a brother or sister in Christ, that God is working in them. Do not be disheartened if it is not immediate, but be comforted that God has a plan for all of us.